%$&*#@ Happens

I spent last Sunday celebrating my moms _th Birthday in Portland. We started the day with a lovely and leisurely ladies brunch with family and close friends. After a few glasses of champagne (hold the orange juice) my sister, mom and myself cruised downtown to get our talons did (if you don't speak Staci that means we got a pedicure and manicure).

From there we walked about 2 blocks to Bartini for Tracy's Graduation Party and one of the best'est Portland Happies ever (you know I heart Happies). It was the sort of Sunday afternoon & evening that has no time limits and clocks are simply not necessary. We lost track of time and the number of rounds that had passed. After the party slowly died down we realized it was not best to drive home- so I needed to call in "reinforcements".

Like a Knight In Shining Armor Riding in on a White Horse (actually- it was Barnsie in flip flops driving a white convertible) my sister mom and myself were rescued. Since the night was still moderately young we continued the party closer to my mom's neck of the woods. We found ourselves at McMenamins on Columbia River- each ordering a hamburger and tall glass of water.

The next morning my mom commented on how wonderful her day long birthday party was. I guess when you get to be __ years old it doesn't matter exactly How you spend your birthday, rather it's all about Who you spend it with.

So why the title "%$&*#@ Happens"? I was trying to think of a clever way to tie in one of the funniest events of the day- but didn't want to take away from my mom's celebration. Let's put it this way- at some point in the afternoon without warning a bird decided to "have it's way" with my moms hand. We were sitting outside enjoying ourselves and then - "plop".

The moral of the story is that my mom didn't seem to really care- she was all smiles cause by the time you get to be ___ years old you know that "%$&*#@ Happens" and there's nothing you can do about it but laugh.

Differences Between Men & Women

I saturate as much dating, life and work advise as I possibly can via mass forwarded emails. The kind that often lands up in your "junk email" folder and you stumble upon them when cleaning your email account. There is a plethora of valuable life altering advise to be had in these emails. Below is the most recent email received. So True.


DIFFERENCE BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN

Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time.

A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while, neither one of them is seeing anybody else.

Then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?"

And then there is silence in the car...To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence.

She thinks to herself: Jeez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.

And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.

And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward...I mean, where are we going? Are we
just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?

And Roger is thinking: So that means it was...let's see...February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means...lemme check the odometer. Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.

And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed-even before I sensed it-that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.

And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they'd better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.

And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.

And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty. Scumbags!

And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, school-girl romantic fantasy.

And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their...

"Roger," Elaine says aloud.

"What?" says Roger, startled.

"Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have...Oh, I feel so..." (She breaks down, sobbing.)

"What?" says Roger.

"I'm such a fool," Elaine sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight.I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse."

"There's no horse?" says Roger.

"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Elaine says.

"No!" says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.

"It's just that...it's that I...I need some time," Elaine says.
(There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.)

"Yes," he says.

(Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.) "Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?" she says.

"What way?" says Roger.

"That way about time," says Elaine.

"Oh," says Roger. "Yes!" (Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she
speaks.)

"Thank you, Roger," she says.

"Thank you," says Roger. Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn.

Roger gets back to his place, he pops open a beer, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it.

The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said
and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification.

They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.

Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say, "Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?"

And that, Ladies and Gentlemen, is the difference between men and women.

Consider Yourself Warned...

I'll be honest with you.... It's def' not easy formulating something brilliant every week for my dear blog'ster readers (are you out there?). I want to be funny, informational, inspirational and possibly get a few ShopMapel.com hits.

?What to write about this week? I had an amazing holiday weekend full of unbelievable stories (Is it EVER O.K. for someone to show up to a potluck BBQ empty handed & literally clear the entire table of food? Well someone committed that crime this weekend). The weekend was also full of out of character experiences (Staci went to 2- count them "1-2" concerts in a single weekend).

However, for a variety of reasons..... namely any "dirt" I would like to "dish" in this blog will be read by said persons within 24 hours of posting.... I must keep my lips shut.


Since airing dirty laundry from this weekend is out of the picture I will instead disperse invaluable knowledge to my dear blog'ster readers (are you still out there?) .

Below are the exact "deits" (if you are over 30 "deits" is short for "details") I would like to share. Upon reading the details, making a mental note to yourself, marking your calendars, and peeping out my pics you can consider yourself warned. Don't worry- I don't expect anything in return after sharing this life altering info (well... if you do feel like you want to thank me in some way you could take a quick look at my e commerce site ShopMapel.com).

Leavenworth Oktoberfest

-What Happens in Oktoberfest.... Bring You Back the Next Year-

*Since 1998 Leavenworth WA has hosted an Annual Oktoberfest

*This year's Oktoberfest celebrations are October 3-4, October 10-11, October 17-18



*Regardless of your age, number of offspring, distance traveled, beer preference (or lack thereof), or accordion playing ability your are the perfect Oktoberfest participant

*All one must bring into Oktoberfest is a willing'ness to try new things and a few friends to make sure you stay in line just enough to return the following year




*You can count on dance invites from Mr Oktoberfest himself
(well he might not go by Mr Oktoberfest, but you get the idea)



*You'll hang with a dozen new BFF's you have never met before- or see ever again



*You could end up with a desperate need for sunglasses at approximately 10.30pm



*One might contract a terrible (and at times contagious) case of "beer goggles"

*ummm.... I don't have a bullet point for this one

*You are guaranteed one of the most memorable weekends of the year

-My work here is finished-

& she's off......

Did I mention I have a roommate? I've known Allison forever (at least it feels like forever). We met for the first time in fifth grade. It was my very first day at a new school and I happened to be sitting in the desk directly behind Alli. She turned around and very matter-of-fact asked me if I wanted one of the cookies she had made the night before. She assured me that although she made them without the flour they called for they tasted just fine. I really don't recall if I accepted or politely declined- all I really remember was her orange shoe laces and black tennis shoes.

Nearly two decades later I find myself feeling as excited and anxious as she is for her 3 week vacation in France & Italy. Our comfortably compact apartment has been a buzz preparing for her trip.

We went over all the bills that would come in while she is out (yes.... Alli handles our finances). She tried on a variety of "travel outfits" and weighed the pros & cons of taking 3oz or less of hair product. I worked earnestly trying to convince her of the value in the perfect wrap cardigan and light weight summer scarf (push came to shove and she found the ideal wrap cardi' at Banana and is borrowing one of my summer scarves).

I dropped her off at the airport yesterday. Unlike the rest of us that feel a little bit stressed and panicked before traveling overseas Alli was cool as a cucumber.

She "practiced packing" the weekend before- to ensure everything fit perfectly in her carry on. She had coordinated nearly every outfit given any travel situation. She had printed, highlighted and alphabetized each nights lodging. She even did a little Christmas shopping the week before leaving (not kidding).

Let it be said that Emma (my indoor bob cat) and I will miss her. We are also terribly excited to hear about her adventures. Especially since you are guaranteed a variety of unexpected experiences when traveling in a different country - even after practice packing, highlighting routes, alphabetizing and wearing the perfect summer scarf.

Speaking of unexpected travel adventures..... I'm reminded of the day I lost my wallet at the Cologne Germany train station. I was using the pay phone to call my bank and report the missing credit card when my train left the station- with all my luggage and friends aboard. After that experience I can no only spell but pantomime "stranded". The following 12 hours were likely the longest and scariest of my entire life (let the record show this was before cell phones).

Wishing Alli the best of travels and experiences. Au Revoir.

Barbie

Last week's blog entry on "minus points" was compiled after opening a few bottles of wine & numerous "recap" conversations with girlfriend. The sort of conversation that starts off with "Well.... how did it go? Were there sparkles?" and your response is "You are never going to believe this......".
Literally EVERY plus/minus point from last week's blog was based on an actual & real situation. (Yes- someone invited me out to drinks and "perkoopsied" their pants.) After so many unbelievable & hilarious boy encounters Brooke had NO CHOICE but to compile a point system. How else is a girl supposed to weed through the sea of men? Thanks Brookie.

Fortunately most of the plus/minus points stories happened when I was young (4 years ago) and dated casually. Now that I'm mature and wise I only date "responsibly" so I'm really hoping things will start looking up for me. Right?

Enough about last week's blog. I know you are chomping at the bit to see what savories I have in store this week. To be honest- I'm going to recycle some of Brookie's other editorial treasures.

About the same time we compiled the plus/minus points we also conceptualized a few new Barbie doll ideas for Mattel. We sent our prototype Barbie's off to Mattel- but for whatever reason they felt their demographic wouldn't grasp onto these doll. (Those bitches.)


Out In Fremont Barbie:

This Barbie "Owns It" and comes out to play exclusively on Friday nights around 10. She is available with sexy jeans, a little cami, and a fabulous new accessory from Mapel. Her wardrobe would be considered "Casual Glam".

Accessories available include a glass of red wine in a large goblet, an ipod mini loaded with an array of "getting fabulous" songs, a few cute boys younger than her, and a jazzy silver sports car w/ 19" rims. She can peel off at any given time, don't bother following, you can't catch up as she speeds away in 4" heels to the next hot spot. Out In Fremont Barbie is often found making Crusty Face Barbies jealous and angry, especially because Crusty Face Barbie's sales are WAY down. Out in Fremont Barbie can be viewed (not purchased) at any Fremont Boutique. Ken can be found at Dick's getting burgers and fries w/ the other Kens.


Brooke gets full credit for the Fremont Barbie concept. The below Seattle & Bellevue Barbies are from some random mass forwarded email I got (the kind that threatens to kill your first born if you don't forward to 15 people in 5 minutes).

Seattle Barbie:
This modern day homemaker Barbie is available with a Mercedes 4WD SUV, a Prada handbag and matching Nike Yoga ensemble. She has a masters degree and double-majored, but has the luxury of being a stay-at-home mom with Ken's generous salary. Comes with Percocet prescription and Botox. Starbucks mug and iPod cell phone device sold separately. Husband Ken is into fishing, golfing, baseball and is often "working late." Available at all Seattle-area Starbucks retailers.

Bellevue Barbie:
This princess Barbie is only sold at Nordstrom. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade handbags, your choice of a BMW convertible or Hummer H2 and a long-haired foreign lapdog named "Honey." Also available is her cookie-cutter development dream house. Available with or without tummy tuck, face lift, and breast augmentation. Workaholic, cheating husband, Ken, comes with a Porsche.

Minus Points

by Brooke Prince (with a little lobster help)

Over the last few years, with my best (Lobster) friends Staci and Cleary - we have continually been developing a list, a tool if you will. We discuss and add to it as we see fit. Sadly enough, most of the "minus point" items on this list are from actual experiences. Live and learn though, right? At first glance one might think this is for the ladies, but really - dudes pay attention here, this one is for you. Read, absorb and be sure to minimize the minus points as much as possible.

Ladies - take the list, customize, add to it and I guarantee the formula for the "Perfect Man" will work - or at least help you avoid the uber creepies out there. Each guy starts with 100 points.

The Perfect Man (or at least as close as one can get):
-Wears a baseball hat backwards - minus 10 points
-Wears a baseball hat backwards while at the gym - minus 15 points
-Does not call when he says he will - minus 15 points (each time)

-Asks for a discount from your work before the first date has happened - minus 20 points-Has ex-girlfriend living with him - minus 20 points
-Wears a sweater vest - minus 10 points
-Wears a sweater vest, but somehow pulls it off - plus 10 points


-Is actually prettier than you (good for him, but) - minus 15 points
-Suggests fun dates like tango dancing, kayaking, space needle, picnic at the beach (you get the idea) - plus 15 points
-Would go to an art museum and actually enjoy it (or at least do a great job at
pretending to) - plus 10 points
-Sports a mock turtleneck - minus 15 points-Sports a "husky" purple mock turtleneck w/ a team emblem embroidered on the
neck - minus 20 points
-Must Love Dogs - plus 15 points


-Dances well and isn't "weird" about being on the dance floor - plus 8 points
-Likes cats (even if they are mean cats who attack at random) -
(this one's for you Stac') - plus 20 points
-Uses the line "How YOU doin'", but not in a funny joking way,
actually uses that line as a form of communication - minus 10 points
-Your girlfriends give him the "stamp of approval" (I've decided to get an actual stamp
made to keep in my purse for these times) - plus 25 points
-Dresses well without trying too hard - plus 15 points
-Has "bacne" (disclaimer, Staci is not a good judge on what is actually
considered "bacne") - minus 8 points-Has a car (to get full points he also has to have a valid license) - plus 10 points
-Doesn't wear makeup of any kind, even if to cover a blemish
(we can still see it) - plus 15 points
-Is not constantly on his cell phone, blackberry, etc - plus 10 points
-Carries on a decent conversation (not just talking about himself) - plus 10 points


-Manscapes when and where necessary - plus 10 points.no, let's make that plus 20 points
-Walks around in ONLY socks and a t-shirt (you know who you are) - minus 20 points
-Invites you & his old, nasty, drunk friend to drinks. Half way through drinks he stands up & leaves cause he "perkoopsied" his pants (leaving you with old/nasty/drunk) - minus 20 points
-Can cook a decent meal - plus 15 points
-When hitting the tanning bed, or applying self tanner, know when to say when - plus 10 points-Has more than just a bar of Lever 2000 in his shower - plus 10 points
-Announces when he is "peeing" in the same water that you are standing in and thinks it's
totally hilarious - minus 20 points
-Hits on you & when you turn him down, he heads back to his wife at the table - minus 15 points-In general is a pretty handy dude around the house (changes light bulbs, mows the lawn,
rebuilds the entire top floor from scratch) - plus 20 points


-Randomly licks your face while you are just trying to dance on stage with your girlfriends at Garfinkle's in Whistler (very specific, I know) - minus 15 points
-Being a gross old dude - minus 15 points-Being a gross old dude that wears Pleather pants and decides to force himself into a conversation with you and girlfriends - minus 20 points
-Tells you to Google him (does he not realize we are going to do this anyway?
He needn't ask us to) - minus 10 points-You Google him (obviously) and find nothing interesting - minus 10 point

Actually experiencing all of these

"minus/plus point" moments- Priceless

Enhanced Vocabulary

In college I lived in a dorm hall called "Callahan", due to time restraints we shorted the name to "Calli".
(You know how over committed and busy your schedule can get in college? What with balancing classes, parties, avoiding old boyfriends, drive bye's, house dances, looking for new boyfriends, compiling "the"abercrombie party outfit - you can imagine how hectic things were.)

So quite affectionately we used to quote the below line when referring to our dorm.

"Going - Going - Back - Back - To Calli - Calli."

I know- it's not very funny, but at the time we thought it was pure genius. Well- last week it was time for me to go back to Calli (as in the state just south of Washington- not my old dorm).

I could say it was a work related trip- yea, let's say that! I was going to LA to do some trend spotting- peeping out the newest styles. While "working" I managed to catch up with some of my best'est friends from college.

Upon reflection of my short LA trip I realized I had unknowingly enhanced my vocabulary. I saturated a few LA terms while hanging with my Calli friends. My two faves are below:

-B.O.C. : Balling out of control. As used in a sentence: "Those sunglasses are totally BOC."

- Stylie : Stylish. As used in a sentence: "You best be wearing your super stylie shoes- we are going to Hollywood".

Super stylie shoes were definitely necessary Saturday nigh. We checked out Green Door in Hollywood - great spot with a chic French aesthetic.

Star sightings include, but are not limited to:

-Josh Dumamel

-Tyra Stanks (that is exactly how I meant to spell her last name)

-Scarlett Johansson

-Tyrese

-Staci Stevens (that gal from Mapel)

It was the perfect Calli weekend. I came back with a tan, hangover and enhanced vocabulary.