Wednesday, September 17, 2008

%$&*#@ Happens

I spent last Sunday celebrating my moms _th Birthday in Portland. We started the day with a lovely and leisurely ladies brunch with family and close friends. After a few glasses of champagne (hold the orange juice) my sister, mom and myself cruised downtown to get our talons did (if you don't speak Staci that means we got a pedicure and manicure).

From there we walked about 2 blocks to Bartini for Tracy's Graduation Party and one of the best'est Portland Happies ever (you know I heart Happies). It was the sort of Sunday afternoon & evening that has no time limits and clocks are simply not necessary. We lost track of time and the number of rounds that had passed. After the party slowly died down we realized it was not best to drive home- so I needed to call in "reinforcements".
Like a Knight In Shining Armor Riding in on a White Horse (actually- it was Barnsie in flip flops driving a white convertible) my sister mom and myself were rescued. Since the night was still moderately young we continued the party closer to my mom's neck of the woods. We found ourselves at McMenamins on Columbia River- each ordering a hamburger and tall glass of water.

The next morning my mom commented on how wonderful her day long birthday party was. I guess when you get to be __ years old it doesn't matter exactly How you spend your birthday, rather it's all about Who you spend it with.

So why the title "%$&*#@ Happens"? I was trying to think of a clever way to tie in one of the funniest events of the day- but didn't want to take away from my mom's celebration. Let's put it this way- at some point in the afternoon without warning a bird decided to "have it's way" with my moms hand. We were sitting outside enjoying ourselves and then - "plop".

The moral of the story is that my mom didn't seem to really care- she was all smiles cause by the time you get to be ___ years old you know that "%$&*#@ Happens" and there's nothing you can do about it but laugh.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Differences Between Men & Women

I saturate as much dating, life and work advise as I possibly can via mass forwarded emails. The kind that often lands up in your "junk email" folder and you stumble upon them when cleaning your email account. There is a plethora of valuable life altering advise to be had in these emails. Below is the most recent email received. So True.


Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time.

A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while, neither one of them is seeing anybody else.

Then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?"

And then there is silence in the car...To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence.

She thinks to herself: Jeez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.

And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.

And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward...I mean, where are we going? Are we
just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?

And Roger is thinking: So that means it was...let's see...February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means...lemme check the odometer. Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.

And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed-even before I sensed it-that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.

And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they'd better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.

And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.

And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty. Scumbags!

And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, school-girl romantic fantasy.

And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their...

"Roger," Elaine says aloud.

"What?" says Roger, startled.

"Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have...Oh, I feel so..." (She breaks down, sobbing.)

"What?" says Roger.

"I'm such a fool," Elaine sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight.I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse."

"There's no horse?" says Roger.

"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Elaine says.

"No!" says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.

"It's just's that I...I need some time," Elaine says.
(There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.)

"Yes," he says.

(Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.) "Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?" she says.

"What way?" says Roger.

"That way about time," says Elaine.

"Oh," says Roger. "Yes!" (Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she

"Thank you, Roger," she says.

"Thank you," says Roger. Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn.

Roger gets back to his place, he pops open a beer, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it.

The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said
and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification.

They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.

Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say, "Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?"

And that, Ladies and Gentlemen, is the difference between men and women

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Consider Yourself Warned...

I'll be honest with you.... It's def' not easy formulating something brilliant every week for my dear blog'ster readers (are you out there?). I want to be funny, informational, inspirational and possibly get a few hits.

?What to write about this week? I had an amazing holiday weekend full of unbelievable stories (Is it EVER O.K. for someone to show up to a potluck BBQ empty handed & literally clear the entire table of food? Well someone committed that crime this weekend). The weekend was also full of out of character experiences (Staci went to 2- count them "1-2" concerts in a single weekend).

However, for a variety of reasons..... namely any "dirt" I would like to "dish" in this blog will be read by said persons within 24 hours of posting.... I must keep my lips shut.

Since airing dirty laundry from this weekend is out of the picture I will instead disperse invaluable knowledge to my dear blog'ster readers (are you still out there?) .

Below are the exact "deits" (if you are over 30 "deits" is short for "details") I would like to share. Upon reading the details, making a mental note to yourself, marking your calendars, and peeping out my pics you can consider yourself warned. Don't worry- I don't expect anything in return after sharing this life altering info (well... if you do feel like you want to thank me in some way you could take a quick look at my e commerce site

Leavenworth Oktoberfest
-What Happens in Oktoberfest.... Bring You Back the Next Year-

*Since 1998 Leavenworth WA has hosted an Annual Oktoberfest

*This year's Oktoberfest celebrations are October 3-4, October 10-11, October 17-18

*Regardless of your age, number of offspring, distance traveled, beer preference (or lack thereof), or accordion playing ability your are the perfect Oktoberfest participant

*All one must bring into Oktoberfest is a willing'ness to try new things and a few friends to make sure you stay in line just enough to return the following year

*You can count on dance invites from Mr Oktoberfest himself
(well he might not go by Mr Oktoberfest, but you get the idea)

*You'll hang with a dozen new BFF's you have never met before- or see ever again

*You could end up with a desperate need for sunglasses at approximately 10.30pm

*One might contract a terrible (and at times contagious) case of "beer goggles"

*ummm.... I don't have a bullet point for this one

*You are guaranteed one of the most memorable weekends of the year
-My work here is finished-