Thursday, July 16, 2009

Rotten Banana Waitress

by: Christi Stevens Somera

As Staci's sisters I decided to guest write this week’s blog. I wanted to share my eclectic (at times hazardous) experience's with beauty products. Simply said, I am a disastrous mix of vanity and laziness, so I need to find ways to achieve my end result without spending a lot of money or taking longer than 10 mins. As you might of guessed I am very passionate about short cuts.

I have a nasty little tendency to try out any beauty product that will fake a genuine result. For example the other day I rolled into a Walgreens with no particular need. This is THE worst situation for me to be in because I had all the time in the world to scour the isles.

Near the "Lee Press-on Nails" vicinity I noticed Sally Hansen Spray on Panty Hose. You can only guesstimate the level of simultaneous excitement and fear. Hmmm.... light or medium tint? Disclaimer: for those of you that have never had the pleasure of laying eyes on my alabaster legs they are rear end white. I cautiously choose the medium.

Check. My tan legs are taken care of, now if I can just figure out a way to mask my brown head band of roots. I take a sharp right down the next isle and there is an array of hair products. I don’t want to permanently alter my hair color just temporarily give me a boost in between hair appointments. Like a moth to the flame I find a spray bottle of hair color with a picture of a happy bleach blond 14 year old. Perfect.

Naturally I choose the lightest of the blond and away I went. At the check out the very nice cashier with the bright orange acrylics asked me to get back to her with my results. Like any other Beauty Warrior, I'll take it for the team to save others pain.

My husband wasn't home when I got back so I quickly dumped my bag of goodies all over the bed. First things first: change into your oldest & saddest workout shorts and tee. Then I knowingly sauntered into the bathroom and liberally sprayed the panty hose all over my legs.

Nice...... they appear perfectly even and glowing (out of all fairness I should note that that I have 3 out of 5 lights working in my bathroom vanity).

Next mission is to remedy those &*%$# roots. The directions asked me to spray 11-12 inches from head. Ummmm.... I don’t want to get this toxic stuff all over my body, counter and floors (the top of my head is just fine). I decided to be more focused in my efforts, 3 inches should work just fine.

Wow roots magically disappear! Oh, who is ready to party? I look good! Ok time for my huz to get home. I know he is going to be so impressed with the new me. The one minor is that I do smell pretty bad, somewhere between aqua net and old fruit. Well, there's only so much I can do in 10 mins. Proudly I walk into the bedroom to admire myself in the full length mirror.
What? Who? When? Where? Embarrassingly I found a heinous Hooters waitress who looked like a rotten banana. Oh my heavens - is that me??? It never occurred to me that bad indoor lighting can really be so deceiving.

It only took 5-10 business days for all of the flaky hair spray color and moldy spray tan to fade away. Will this experience slow me down? NO. I've been to Walgreens 5 times since. However, I have also been initiating a balance between product and fashion fixes. For every blond bombshell hair shortcut there is an equally valuable fashion shortcut.

As of present I've been waking up to days that will certainly consist of 90 degree weather. Almost as certain as the temperature is my tendency to snooze 6 times before allowing myself only 10 minutes to get ready. This means I do not have time to lotion and love my legs. Something like this is Nothing for a shortcut vixen like myself. I pull on my Veronica M Maxi Dress. I stay cool all day & look pretty damn cool too. Essentially any Maxi dress will do the trick, and in case you have not been paying attention the Maxi dress is THE silhouette of the summer.

Perhaps you are dying to wear your jeans with gladiator sandals but never got around to getting them altered. No worries. This summer most denim brands are offering flip flop length or petite length jeans. You can't wear these with your stilettos- but you can certainly pair with your summer sexy gladiators. While in Leavenworth last I picked up the Citizens Dita Petite & love how buttery soft they are.

Although I have to bear 90 degree weather mid day it always cools down to a pleasant temperature. Once the weather chills a bit I'm certain to need a light weight wrap or pull over. Last weekend I went to a bbq and paired my cargo pants with this versatile stevie wrap.

Admit it- we all have days when we're feeling a little.... dark. Maybe even "gothic". That's not to say you're obsessed with vampires (except for the Twilight kind). You just like to feel a little urban and spiky sometimes. Offset the goth with this chic gold clutch.

Best for Last. All time summer favorite frock. Drum roll please.... I am living (yes living) in my Veronica M double V Dress. It's beyond comfortable (not form fitting at all) and super sexy. It blends grecian and kimono aesthetics. I love.

Sincerly, Fellow Beauty Warrior

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